I'm still in the village in South Africa and genuinely enjoying my time here. It's peaceful and I'm home alone a lot because my mom's busy building her business.
I've been meditating and reviewing my personal vision and business strategy.
I've also been doing a lot of yoga asanas (poses) and for the first time in years, I was able to do a freestanding handstand again.
What do Yoga ASanas have to do with money?
Glad you asked.
I used to be able to do handstands, until a few years ago when I got into debt and was heavily depressed; I developed this fear of handstands and headstands.
I feared I’d drop myself and break bones and that was that.
I couldn't even do a handstand against a wall.
My yoga teacher at the time told me it had to do with trusting my body and trusting myself enough to carry my body.
At the time I couldn't understand it. But recently it clicked.
I finally understand what she was talking about.
It's not about trusting money, it's about trusting ourselves
A few days ago I was practising my handstand and the memory of my yoga teacher flashed into my mind and was instantly by the flash of my meditation where money asked to be a husband instead of a lover.
That's when it hit me - my journey and challenge of trusting money, is a journey to trust myself.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I find myself spontaneously thanking money for showing up to support my lifestyle.
It's weird for me because I feel myself trusting money, then wanting to question that trust and go back to my old ways.
What if I allow myself to trust money and money disappoints me and hurts me?
This is the challenge I have with romantic relationships - I trust but then I look for reasons to stop trusting.
This isn’t about trusting money but trusting that I can advocate for myself and trusting that money wants to love me or is attempting to love me..
I always believed I had to do things to get love and I had to work to get love but over the years I've started to understand that everyone and everything is trying to be happy or get love.
And that includes money. Money is trying to get love from us.
Lack of trust is the disbelief that we're deserving of love so we spend all our energy controlling how we’re perceived.
What if we believed that the people and things we love loved us back or are attempting to love us back but they didn't understand how to show this love?
What if we just operated from the notion that we’re loved?
What if we accepted that we have nothing to prove and that we're enough?
What if we allowed ourselves to believe that money loved us and was eager for us to love it back?
Who would we be then?
External events can cause us to lose faith in ourselves
When I found myself heavily in debt and facing rejection from various employers (I applied for jobs every day at that time and never got a response from anyone) I lost my faith in myself and struggled with depression.
The feedback I was getting from the external world was that I wasn't good enough, which affected the way I saw myself.
I stopped trusting myself to carry myself - literally and figuratively.
I didn't trust myself to carry my own weight, financially and physically as well (money-body connection).
And I definitely didn't trust money, which is part of the reason I preferred credit cards and couldn't stand having money in my account.
Having money just chilling in my account was unthinkable - every bit of money I had, had to be spent. I was only comfortable when my bank account read zero.
Deep down I believed everybody was better at managing money than I was.
It all felt so daunting and impossible.
Self-trust impacts our relationship with money
Doing the Connecting with the Divine in Money Meditation has changed the way I see money and made it easier for me to trust money.
Changing my relationship with money has changed the way I see myself in relation to money and in relation to myself.
The more self-aware we are, the more likely we are to trust ourselves.
As my self-trust has increased; I’ve started to trust myself with money and trust money as well.
I’ve also started trusting that I can carry myself physically in yoga.
How have you seen self-trust impact your relationship with money?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments section below!