A few months ago I'd recorded an inner child meditation for the Creating Money Magic course and something weird happened - it disappeared.
Students asked me what happened to it and I couldn't find it anywhere in my files, I must have deleted it from the course and my laptop.
But people kept messaging me about it and after lots of promises, I finally recorded it and gave everyone in the Money Magicians Facebook group 24 hour access to it a few days ago and suggested we all do it together (these are the benefits of being in the group).
Turns out I had good reason to resist writing and recording the inner child meditation because it also brought up a lot of things from romantic relationships that I had no clue were even there and that somehow they are tied to money and childhood stuff around money and family.
A lot of my fears of rejection come from the playground
I always say I don’t remember much about my childhood.
I never have childhood memories and as I do this work, turns out I have a lot and so many explain so much about some things I am finding challenging with Wealthy Money.
Today I was mind blown because I realized some business fears I have are from the playground!!!
Things that constantly went down when we played as kids and things I was constantly told by other kids.
There was a general belief that I sucked at everything and I was dead alive (they actually called me that as a nickname for years) and creepy because I’d sometimes speak to beings they couldn’t see and I just knew things.
Only certain people were okay being around me and not many kids liked me.
So I was always the last to be chosen to be on any team.
Every time I had to do things with other kids I was anxious because I knew I’d never get chosen.
Funny enough my best friend was the most popular kid at school and she adored me and would always choose me if she was playing. But she was in a higher grade than me.
The way I processed life and events as a childhood impacted my emotions in my teens
A lot came up about asking and receiving and how even by the age of 8, I was already falling into depression and had trained myself to keep secrets, never ask for anything, to rely only on myself and to try by all means to have few needs.
Not because my parents couldn't afford it but because I never knew how they would react - their emotions were all over the place (far from emotionally intelligent) so I learned to manage them, by jus shrinking into myself.
By the time I turned 13, I was completely depressed and in therapy. I felt alone and isolated; emotions that resurfaced 8 years ago and would eventually later lead me to this work.
For the first time in my life, I see that maybe my depression started long before my teens, with the way I processed life as a child.
To be honest, a part of me doesn't want to share what came up because I feel a little embarrassed that I still get into this mode of giving to get love and that it's still really hard for me to accept what is given to me in romantic relationships.
I’d rather give than take and I see how that plays out in all aspects of my life. In the meditation I saw so many memories of my mom telling me that people give money as a way to control us; she explained that this was the main reason that me gave in romantic relationships.
I saw how this belief was playing out in every area of my life - this fear of being controlled if I allow myself to get.
Even writing this feels so uncomfortable for me and is making me cry, like I just want to crawl somewhere and never do this work again but of course that will not happen.
It's weird because I feel like this meditation brought up this emotion of shame. So much shame that I didn't even know was stuffed in my body.
I am always in awe of how this work still shocks me and there are always layers.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments section below.