My name is Nomveliso and I am a Teencoach (I coach teens).
It took me a LONG time to learn that there was such a term as “empath”, but now that I know, I understand that I’ve always been an empath, since childhood.
I’m writing this blog post because I finally understand why I’m almost undate-able and why it’s hard for me to date just anyone: because you don’t FEEL right.
We live in a society where men seldom work on developing their inner-selves or partake in the emotional labour required to be a great romantic partner.
Women are the ones who are tasked with emotional labour and end up doing the inner work: pray, meditate, do yoga, work on being emotionally-aware etc. so they are better romantic partners and wife material.
You’re probably wondering – what is an empath?
• Feel things that aren’t spoken, things that lie deep in the other person’s subconscious
• Can easily tell a lie, in a culture where lies are accepted as a normal part of one’s relationship, we can easily pick up on lies
• Carry vivid dreams: whoever we’re connected to becomes connected to us, whatever lie they live becomes evident in some form or another. Sometimes it’s just a knowing that something ain’t right
• Are highly spiritual, not in the religious sense, so shallowness and people who are victims in almost every scenario and don’t know how to check themselves exhaust the life out of us. We take in other people’s experiences so relationships can be highly exhausting when the other person isn’t self-aware or runs away from their emotional issues.
• We’re highly sensitive and can feel when we’re in a danger or when you have dangerous friends, etc
I’m an ambitious woman and I’m also an empath who wants to be in a relationship.
I’ve always had an idea of the kind of relationship I wanted to be in. The only problem is that each time I shared this idea with friends I was told how unrealistic and idealistic I was being.
I was also told that what I felt about things or the way I saw things was highly unrealistic.
So I did what most people do, I compromised and did what everyone did.
I now realise that men often find empath fempreneurs fascinating, like most women I suppose, but this fascination, if not driven by genuine love, often makes men want to own us, control us or tame the fire they see burning in us.
Men Who Want to Own Empath Women
They see how fascinating we are, they can tell how different we think and how differently we see the world and they want that for themselves; they don’t want anyone else to have you but them. These men are ego driven and will do everything in their power to have us and won’t stop chasing us until they win us over.
Men Who Want to Control Empath Women
Most men believe there’s no way a woman can be strong-willed, direct, sure-footed and living life on her own terms.
Most men think, “I must control that before all other women think it’s okay. Besides what kind of man will I be if I don’t use my masculine power to save the world from such powerful femininity?”
Control will start with little things, like undermining how you think even though you’re often spot on in your reasoning (he won’t admit this).
Then it will spread to external things like making fun of the way you dress, where you go and who you befriend as he clips your wings of freedom.
Men Who Try to Tame Empath Women
Men who try to tame empath women are similar to men who want to control us, only they are less violent in their approach.
Their approach is one of feigned caring and often comes from a genuine place to get you to slow down, not work so much and not be so ambitious.
The tamers use their love to quieten us down so we only need them.
And because empaths also tend to be givers, tamers can create in themselves such a needy persona that we end up giving & giving to them, and have nothing left to give to anyone else.
Empaths are called to serve people; they are healers, helpers and servants of humanity. To limit this to one person is the death of an empath.
Most relationships in our society are driven by power dynamics characterised by control; which is interpreted as love.
Both partners control who the other befriends, who the other person calls or talks to, where the other person goes & when, what the other person wears or how they dress, what time the other person gets home or leaves, whether the other person studies or not etc.
So many relationships with so many rules and yet still so many divorces.
We don’t listen to our own voices instead we listen to the “101 rules of other people’s great relationships”
Trusting Your Gut In Relationships
MOST empaths can sense when a potential partner is being possessive, controlling or trying to tame them.
But society tells us: you’re too picky, too fussy, he’s not perfect, give him time, allow yourself to be loved etc .
We start listening to everyone BUT the voice within, our inner compass that will often tell us: he’s not the one for you, let him go.
We know this voice because that inner voice makes sure to WARN US when we’re headed for danger.
We stay in bad relationships because the external voices are talking louder than our inner voice and we want to be able to say, “Yay, I finally kept a relationship.”
A couple of years back I met a guy; he was a sweet, loving & very caring person. But I kept hearing this nudging inner voice telling me to take note of his temper, watch what triggers it, ask questions and not keep quiet.
Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last a month.
I later learned this man had major anger issues that sometimes led to dangerous blind-rage.
But because I listened to my inner voice, I stepped back peacefully. No scars.
More recently, about a month ago, I met another guy, very sweet, who ticked most of the boxes on my list of things I want in a man.
But my inner voice was like, “wait it out honey, not this one.”
I was like, “WAIT, WAIT! No ways this one’s legit!”
And just as I was saying wait - boom … some of his dark underlying traits came to the surface. I swiftly stepped back.
How Changing My Relationship With Money Elevated My Relationship Standards
One of the gifts I received from doing the #WealthyMoney eCourse meditations, the money work and reading the books, is confidence in my inner voice and reclaiming my inner self again.
Working on my relationship with money, has taught me to embrace that inner side of me that says: listen this is me.
I’m no longer keen to collect emotional scars in the name of being in a relationship just so I meet society’s expectations.
I’m okay waiting things out and pursuing my purpose and vision with glee, as I build my business.
My relationship with money, thanks to #WealthyMoney is improving so much that I’m no longer interested in compromising in my romantic relationships.
Miss me with your fear-inducing statements of, “You will die alone” and “Take any man that loves you.”
No honey, the question is: why are YOU afraid of being alone?
Empaths are comfortable with solitude or their own-company.
The #WealthMoney eCourse and my money journey have taught me a lot about connecting with my emotions and the root cause of these emotions.
So naturally, a lying or cheating man will FEEL a certain way to me.
If I can draft huge financial goals, I can very well draft huge speaking-to-my-soul romantic relationships goals as well!
Now someone reading this will say, “Shame this one is looking for a perfect person and will die a spinster.”
My response these days is, “How many people died in or at the hands of someone they loved, because they didn’t listen to their inner voice? Sometimes we don’t die physically but we die spiritually.
“What’s the price of dating someone who controls you and eats away at your soul day by day until you no longer believe you are worthy of great love?”
“Who said that love is an act of collecting emotional scars?”
I hope this starts a conversation.
I’m not preaching to anyone about how they should live their life.
This is my journey, I just know NOW, more than ever, that I wouldn’t be where I am in my purpose and in my business, had I ignored my inner voice and dated some of the men who came into my life.
I’d have died an emotional death a LONG time ago.
As I edit my list of things-I-want-In-A-man. I want to add: TWINS baby! Give me twins.
I know for a fact that my inner wisdom won’t say NO to all men, all the time; there will be a time when I get a “YES, this is him, the father of the twins.”
Guest post by Nomveliso Mbanga, Teencoach™ and founder of Mayine Development Institute. Using her 25yrs of experience in the youth development space, she runs a business that’s created to support teenagers using the informal education space to support formalised institutions by touching on Academic Excellence, Family Dynamics & Personal leadership. She is also in her 3rd semester as Wealthy Money student. Nomveliso@teencoaching.biz | www.teencoaching.biz