ften when we talk about helping family financially (or black tax), we talk about the recipients of our giving as being problematic.
This is a major myth, because a relationship isn't just made up of one person.
For today I want us to explore this myth and stop looking at financial givers and helpers as victims but also explore their motives.
I say this as someone who has watched both their parents pay black tax.
And as someone who has felt deep resentment that their mother had to help her family and end up losing so much in the end.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO TRULY GIVE OR HELP?
I recently reconnected with my mom's side of the family at my cousin's funeral after 17 years.
At the funeral my aunt kept telling everyone how much she did for me and my sister when we were kids.
I was kind of expecting this because she'd told my dad's family how much she did for us and that we do nothing for her.
She really didn't do much except buy us clothes once in a while as kids. I thought of those things gifts.
But if the giver expects to be rewarded in return it stops being a gift.
True giving is to do something with no expectations, no desire to be thanked or liked or anything.
Most of us give and help others because we want to be seen as nice people or good people. Or we want to be liked (I'm also guilty of this).
In this case, we're not giving and we're not helping because we expect an emotional reward.
WHY WE FEEL RESENTMENT WHEN WE GIVE?
We feel resentment when we give because we're expecting something when we give or when we're manipulated to give.
When people remind us how much they did for us - it's a form of manipulation to us to give to them or repay them.
Our souls feel used because if we'd known the truth, most of us would have said NO.
So we give out of obligation or a because we feel like we owe the other person.
Often we expect some sort of validation for giving and sometimes we expect people to like us or be friends with us.
When we don't get that validation or appreciation we feel used, we feel resentful and at times may even end up disliking others.
Your resentment is letting you know that something is off and you need to be honest with yourself about what you want in return for our help.
If you can't give with an open heart - rather say no and keep it moving. It will save your relationships.
WHY DO RECIPIENTS SOMETIMES NOT APPRECIATE THE GIFT?
People don't respond to our actions, they respond to our energy.
So when we give in an effort to be validated people sense that as well and feel manipulated, which makes sense - we're giving them something in order to get an emotional reward.
But worse - we frame this as a gift and not a transaction.
In an effort, to remain in control, some people may choose to withhold their love (unconsciously so) to teach us a lesson.
No one owes us love or appreciation. It's not anyone's job to appreciate us or love us, not even our family or parents owe us love or validation.
It's our job to love ourselves, appreciate ourselves and validate ourselves.
OUR RESENTMENT FROM GIVING CAUSES MONEY BLOCKS
When I graduated from business school in Boston, MA, I had a conversation with uncle (my mom's brother) uncle where he told me, that he and the rest of my mom's family had been waiting for me to graduate so I could help them financially.
I explained to my uncle that everyone he was asking me to help had a degree, was fully grown and also had kids, including him (he has a masters in electrical engineering) so expecting me to help was unfair.
Up until that conversation I had no clue why I couldn't make any money at all.
This conversation was my first aha moment into why we sabotage ourselves financially.
WE SABOTAGE OURSELVES FINANCIALLY TO PROTECT OURSELVES
Up until I received my MBA I was able to easily get jobs and manifest money.
After getting my MBA, it was like my life flipped a switch.
I struggled to get even basic jobs, buy food and I couldn't make money.
And when I did get money - I'd blow it as fast as possible.
It took coaching with Jo Ntsebeza from Kalavati Cafe and doing a lot of my own inner work to understand what was going on within me.
For most of my life my inner child had only seen one version of success - the version where you succeed, make money and then support your family.
And then you become resentful and they become resentful and the family structure breaks down.
Getting an MBA triggered me - suddenly family members saw me as someone successful, someone to give financial responsibility to.
And that freaked me out, so I subconsciously blocked money, I stopped making money altogether, I went 2 years without making a penny and I found ways to give away money.
I didn't want to say no or set financial boundaries for myself because I wanted my mom's family to like me.
Even if I didn't like them, I needed them to like me. So I was trying to protect myself from the emotional pain, the pain of not being liked.
[I didn't understand self love and inner child healing yet.]
At that time I believed that people could only love me if I went along with their suggestions.
So I found a way to please everyone - I dissuaded people from asking me for money, by never having money and getting rid of money as soon as it showed up in my account.
In this way I sabotaged myself financially in order to protect myself from having to say no to family members who asked me for money, and having them dislike me or even dismiss me from their lives.
WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE MYTHS THAT HOLD US BACK WHEN GIVING FINANCIAL HELP
Let me know your thoughts in the comments section below.