Day 3 of the retreat took me by surprise because I was just never ready fam.
I went from a natural high at the beginning of the day to a low low point by the end of the day.
My high point
We started with yoga. meditated and went to the temple at Doi Suthep and did all the spiritual stuff. Sat at the temple and watched the view of Chiang Mai as we ate coconut ice cream.
And then we went shopping at Bo Sang and everyone got gifts for people at home and then we arrived to an amazing lunch.
My low point
This was after lunch.
What happened? You ask
Jo from Kalavati Cafe happened to all of us.
Jo was my first life coach and she has been in my life ever since. I bug her all the time.
I bugged her the whole time I was planning the retreat, booking the tours and booking her and Lebo's flights, she was on the other end of the phone brainstorming with me.
When I cried and broke down about the retreat and how it was falling apart and just couldn't do it, I called Jo and Honey (my sister).
Poor souls! They suffered with me every day.
Anyway on this day Jo, had to teach us about relationships and expansion in relationships and it all seemed awesome and chilled out.
She had us playing games and we were laughing but before I knew it I had a headache and hated the world.
The headache started out of nowhere - as soon as I had my realisation of how I approach life and relationships, which is the opposite of seeking.
I had an Aha moment!
I never go out of my way to hustle or seek things, yet the things I want somehow find me. And I was wrecked with guilt, deep guilt about that.
And that's what happened in the game - Jo said "seek" and I heard "allow and relax" so I ended up dancing by the door and somehow I was the first to find the thing I was seeking.
And this didn't make me happy - it brought up my guilt issues.
Why didn't I go out seeking?
Why didn't I follow the game?
Why did I call on arch angels to help me find what I was seeking during a game and go on my own merry way?
This also brought up my self acceptance issues. I didn't even know I had self acceptance issues about the way I live my life.
But I do and I thank everyone of my exes for that. For making me feel like I should aspire to the white picket fence dream.
One day we will have to unpack all that but the retreat was not that day and neither is today.
I didn't even know my romantic relationships had affected me in this way.
Worse, I started having memories from childhood where kids and random adults would tease me for talking to myself and being called dead alive.
I was that playground kid that no one ever wanted on their team because they were dead alive and just plain weird.
All these desires of wanting to fit in came up: these desires to be less me, less weird, less scary, less talking to unseen things.
And there was an adult part of me still stuck on the playground and still apologising for being this restless woman who's just in quest of something and keeps bumping into wonderful adventures.
This woman who's embarrassed by her travels and inability to be grounded or get a proper job.
I was so shook by the game and how deep it dug, I got a headache; by dinner time my headache was a migraine and my mood was just a mess.
By bedtime, all I could do was stare into space and tell everyone this was the last retreat I was EVER hosting.
Little did I know that Lebo would make things worse by day 4 and I would end up crying...I would see how all this was tied to my mother wound.