The last few days have probably been one of the hardest I've had in a long time.
A lot of stuff about self worth has been coming up for me during meditation, since doing a shamanic session to open up my heart and throat.
The one thought that's been plaguing me during my meditation is: "I'm not good enough (yet) to be loved unconditionally by anyone including me."
I thought I was over this self worth drama, especially after all the work I've done on self love.
The fear & pain of not being good enough (yet)
The thing that bugs me most is the YET, in that whole story.
It implies that, I could be good enough, I just have to get perfect.
Every time I sit with the thought of not being good enough yet, I cry.
This thought made me sad. On Monday morning I started worrying about getting depressed again.
For the first time in 4 years, I considered the possibility of being depressed again
I was worried that I was regressing, that all those old feelings of self loathing would come back and I'd look in the mirror and hate myself all over again.
But I continued to sit with the sadness and meditate.
During meditation I saw clearly that "not being good enough yet" was a story I was telling myself.
The story I was telling myself was that I needed to be perfect to love myself unconditionally and that love was a reward. When I mess up, I withdraw that reward and push myself harder.
There's so much pain to this story and it's holding me back from being the best me.
I've always created stories about money, until these stories started to dominate my life and I could no longer get out of bed.
There was once a time when I could no longer feel hope or joy, only self loathing and disgust.
At the end of the meditation I remembered that I'd come out of all that smiling and unshakable in my self belief.
And that when it hit me - I can heal this. I have the tools to heal this. It's all a story.
And that's what I did.
I spent the last 2 days unpacking the stories I've created about my worthiness to receive love and money.
Today I woke up feeling lighter, happier and more at peace with myself and the world.
How your money story holds you back
Money stories are good and bad things we tell ourselves about money.
We tell ourselves these stories so often, they become part of our belief systems.
Our money stories stop us from taking constructive financial action because we approach the present moment with the same mentality as the past.
We think we know and in our knowing, we create our future realities.
We imprint the future with our past events and experiences.
For years I believed I was:
~ Cursed with money
~ Bad with money
~ Terrible at marketing my services
~No one will love me unless I have money
All these beliefs were part of my money story.
It's what I told myself everyday and my life reflected all these beliefs back to me, so I kept believing it and I kept replaying the same script.
Today, these old stories still come back in another form and I have to dig deeper to release them.
How to change your money story
You'll need 20 mins for this exercise.
Take a look at your bank statement for 5 minutes.
Ask yourself: "What does this bank balance say about me?"
Close your eyes and see what sensations come up in your body.
What emotions are tied to that sensation.
If there are no unpleasant sensations or emotions then great. You can just relax after this exercise.
If there are unpleasant sensations close your eyes and focus on the sensations.
Ask out loud "what thoughts are causing these sensations" and just wait for the answer to come from a place deep within you. It might shock you.
Write the thoughts down and then question each negative thought using the work of Byron Katie:
~ Is it True
~ Can you know its true?
~ How do you react when you think this thought?
~ Who would you be without this thought (as in if you never thought this thought)?
~ Turn the thought around and give 3 examples the opposite is true.
Answer each of the questions from the heart. Not your head.
What's your money story?
Who would you be without your money story?
What becomes possible when you change your story about money?
I look forward to hearing from you in the comments section below.