How to Heal Your Relationship with Money: What Attachment Styles Can Teach Us
When I first started teaching about our relationship with money, I would always ask: "𝘐𝘧 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦?"
It was a great question because it invited people to think about money as a relationship instead of just numbers in a bank account, but over the years, I've realized that the question assumes we all experience relationships in the same way.
And we all have the same definition for a healthy relationship.
We don't.
𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞𝐭𝐲, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲.
Think about your closest relationships; if you've experienced consistency, support, and reliability, you may find it easier to trust. If you've experienced abandonment, unpredictability, criticism, or emotional inconsistency, your nervous system may constantly prepare for disappointment.
Our relationship with money is shaped in the same way.
If money always seemed to disappear when you were growing up…
If there was never enough…
If financial stress dominated your home…
If asking for money led to conflict, shame, or rejection…
Your nervous system learned that Money isn't safe.
Those lessons don't disappear when you become an adult; they often become the foundation of your relationship with money.
Just as we learn what to expect from the people we love, we also learn what to expect from money.
If, for years, money was unavailable whenever you needed it, you stop trusting that it will be there, you stop asking for what you really want and you lower your expectations before life has a chance to disappoint you.
Instead of asking for the salary you want, you settle for what you think you can get.
Instead of charging fairly for your work, you underprice yourself.
Instead of dreaming bigger, you convince yourself to be "realistic."
Not because your dreams are impossible; because your nervous system has learned not to expect more and over time.
Your Attachment Style Shows Up in Your Finances
I've become increasingly curious about how attachment styles show up in our relationship with money.
𝐖𝐞 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬.
They don't.
The fear of rejection can show up when you're about to send an invoice.
The fear of abandonment can make you hold onto clients who are no longer a good fit.
The fear of conflict can make you avoid talking about money with your partner.
The fear of not being enough can make you collect qualification after qualification before charging the true value of your work.
The fear changes shape but underneath it is often the same story.
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐨 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲.
Healing doesn't begin with earning more, it begins with understanding the experiences that shaped your expectations.
It means healing childhood experiences that taught you money wasn't safe and noticing the family stories and ancestral beliefs you inherited about wealth, scarcity, success, and survival.
It means helping your nervous system discover that your past doesn't have to determine your financial future.
As your nervous system begins to feel safer, your expectations change and you start asking for more and become more willing to negotiate and stop settling for less than you desire.
𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 just 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐬𝐭, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥: 𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲, 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲, 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲.
It's about exploring childhood experiences and healing family and ancestral money patterns.
It's about regulating your nervous system so it no longer reacts to what's happening in your bank account right now based on past events.
It's about practicing new ways of relationshipping with money, one day at a time....just like romantic relationships don't change through a single conversation, they change through consistent care, trust, honesty, and repair, it's the same with your relationship with money.
So I guess my new question should be: How do you respond in romantic relationships when you are triggered and how does that mirror the way you respond to your money triggers?
