The last few days have probably been one of the hardest I've had in a long time.
A lot of stuff about self worth has been coming up for me every time I sit down to meditate.
I'm pretty sure this has to do with my shamanism session to open up my heart and my throat.
The one thought that's been plaguing me during my meditation is: "I'm not good enough (yet) to be loved unconditionally by anyone including me."
Of course this isn't what I expected when I set that intention with the shaman.
I thought I was over this self worth drama. Especially because I've been congratulating myself for how nicely I talk to myself now.
I preach self love all the time so the last thing I expect is to find myself curled up like a ball and crying about not being good enough to be loved unconditionally (yet).
The thing that bugs me most is the YET, in that whole story.
It implies that, I could be good enough, I just have to get perfect.
This "yet" has brought me to tears.
It's brought on a messy and beautiful meltdown.
I was sad for 3 days. On Monday morning I started worrying about getting depressed again.
For the first time in 4 years, I considered the possibility of being depressed again.
I was worried that I was regressing, that all those old feelings of self loathing would come back and I'd look in the mirror and hate myself all over again.
So I decided to practice what I preach and continued to sit with all these emotions and meditate and the most insane thing happened.
On Monday during meditation - it hit me - I was in the middle of a story.
A story I'd created about myself. I was telling myself that I needed to be perfect to love myself unconditionally and that love was a reward. If I messed up, I withdrew that reward and pushed myself harder.
I was attaching so much emotion to this story that it causing me pain and holding me back from being the best me.
I saw another time in my life where I'd created similar stories about money, until these stories started to dominate my life and I could no longer get out of bed.
I remembered, there was once a time when I could no longer feel hope or joy, only self loathing and disgust.
And I remembered that I'd come out of that smiling and unshakable in my self belief.
In that minute I realized - I can heal this. I have the tools to heal this. It's all a story.
And that's what I did. I spent the last 2 days unpacking the stories I've created about my worthiness to receive love.
Today I woke up feeling lighter, happier and more at peace with myself and the world.
How does your money story hold you back?
Stories are good and bad things we tell ourselves about money.
We tell ourselves these stories so often, they become part of our belief systems.
Most times, these stories stop us from taking constructive financial action because we approach the present moment with the same mentality as the past.
We think we know and in our knowing, we create our future realities.
We imprint the future with these past events and experiences.
For years I believed I was:
~ Cursed with money
~ Bad with money
~ Terrible at marketing my services
~No one will love me unless I have money
And this became my money story.
It's what I told myself everyday and my life reflected back to me, so I kept believing it and I kept replaying the same script.
Today, these old stories still come back in another form and I have to dig deeper to release them.
How to change your money story
You will need 15 - 30 mins for this exercise.
Take a look at your bank statement for 5 minutes.
Ask yourself: "What does this bank balance say about me?"
Close your eyes and see what sensations come up in your body.
What emotions are tied to that sensation.
If there are no unpleasant sensations or emotions then great. You can just relax after this exercise.
If there are unpleasant sensations close your eyes and focus on the sensations.
Ask out loud "what thoughts are causing these sensations" and just wait for the answer to come from a place deep within you. It might shock you.
Write the thoughts down and then question each negative thought using the work of Byron Katie:
~ Is it True
~ Can you know its true?
~ How do you react when you think this thought?
~ Who would you be without this thought (as in if you never thought this thought)?
~ Turn the thought around and give 3 examples the opposite is true.
My advice is answer each of the questions from the heart. Not your head.
What's your money story?
Who would you be without your money story? What becomes possible when you change your story about money?
I look forward to hearing from you in the comments section below.